Facing the Loss of a Loved One
By Teresa Burney

For more information about AARP’s Grief & Loss Program, or to request a copy of the publications dedicated to this subject, visit the Grief & loss website or send a letter to AARP Fulfillment – 601 E Street, NW, Washington, DC 20049. The support line, 866-797-2277 is available from 9am to 9pm and offers translation services.

As the bright light of a sunny Florida morning streams through her windows, Sandy Cornish turns on her two home computers and logs on to a world of immeasurable grief.

On her screen is a long list of letters posted on AARP's Grief & Loss bulletin boards-husbands and wives grieving the loss of a spouse, children mourning the loss of a parent, parents bereft over the loss of an adult child. It is going to be a busy morning for Cornish, a host for the website where those coping with the death of a loved one come to tell their stories and talk with others who have had similar experiences.

"Sometimes it just takes your breath away-all their sad stories," says Cornish, whose online name is "Babs."

Until about a year ago, Cornish's screen was often blank. Now she can expect to spend a few hours each day reading and responding to notes from the grief-stricken.

AARP's recently expanded Grief & Loss program now offers more publications-in both English and Spanish-on how to deal with loss. In addition, it has created a toll-free support line staffed with trained volunteers to help the grieving, and has expanded its Internet site to include the bulletin board, as well as an abundance of information about coping with loss. AARP also simplified the site's address to www.griefandloss.org, so it will pop up when anyone of any age types the word "grief" into a search engine.

‘I try to get them to look at what they have left, instead of what they have lost’

The website expansion tapped into a wellspring of need for grief support. "We knew people needed this resource and have been pleasantly surprised by the extraordinarily large number of visitors to the site," said Kathy Wood, national program consultant for AARP's Grief & Loss program.

Since the website's expansion was unveiled in December of 2001, the site has logged more than 700,000 visits, making it one of the top three most visited AARP sites, along with Health and Computer/Technology. And visitors aren't just seniors; younger people are logging on as well.

On this autumn morning, it's easy to see just how popular the site has become. The list of postings on Cornish's screen goes on and on. She notes that many letters are posted in the early hours-between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. "They are not sleeping."

As a bulletin board host, Cornish sees her job as guiding the discussions in which other writers answer the postings, offering their own tales of grief and suggestions for how to cope.

But Cornish often weighs in as well. She and several other hosts work hard to make sure no posting goes unanswered. The trained grief support volunteer, a retired fifth-grade teacher and wife of a retired Methodist minister, draws on her formal training, as well as life experiences, to answer the letters. She may suggest reading materials designed to help the grieving, offer a poem she has found particularly helpful, or mention local support groups as an avenue of help. Just as often, she shares tidbits of her own struggles with grief in an effort to show that the writer is not alone.

Cornish, 65, was caregiver to her parents and mother-in-law for many years before their deaths. Her firstborn came close to dying at three weeks and her husband was given up for dead on four occasions, five years ago.

"I try to get them to look at what they have left, instead of what they have lost," she said. Still, sometimes the stories are so sad that even she has trouble offering hope.

She remembers the letter of one woman, who had lost her husband and three children in the same auto accident. The woman had always been a homemaker and now was faced with losing her house because her husband had not adequately prepared for his death and she had no job skills.

"What do you say to somebody like that?" she asks. "I don't know that I could live with that." She usually comes up with some words of comfort. Her trademark is to send "huggles"-an e-mail hug. "Everybody needs at least eight a day," she says.

Bereavement professionals say one of the most valuable things offered by online discussions, and other similar discussion groups and support sessions, is a forum for people to tell their stories. Talking about loss is therapeutic, they say. And sometimes people want to keep telling their story of loss long after family members and friends have grown tired of hearing it. That's when many turn to groups outside their circle of family and friends.

Watching online visitors heal over time is rewarding-from their own paralyzing grief to being able to help others who post messages on the board with their grief, Cornish says. "I guess you could say this is my ministry."

Return to Top